Chris Strausman, Socially Isolated Streamer - Growing Up and Showing Up with Blerdy Disposition (Call of Cthulhu)

0:00 I like to call them my wholesome sweet bean. There is no manual for growing up. There is no how to adult 101. I know when I create that there are people who are counting on me sometimes to produce content that represents them. The power of fantasy for me and RPGs is two things. Being able to live by myself and being able to afford to like, be a full time content creator. Yeah, I don't usually get into Smell O Vision when talking about characters.

1:08 Hello friends, welcome to Characters Without Stories, a TTRPG podcast about the roads not yet traveled. I'm Star. This episode I'm joined by Blerdy Disposition. Blerdy is a Black queer professional GM and player. He makes TTRPG YouTube content focused on covering either indie RPGs or player and GM advice. When he is not obsessing over Cthulhu mythos or niche RPGs, you can find him talking about his next favorite RPG of the month. Blerdy, thank you so much for coming on the podcast. Thank you so much for inviting me. Well, I'm definitely excited because I haven't been able to talk about a character that I've wanted to play.

1:48 So, this'll be a great time for me. Well, thank you so much for coming on. I am a huge fan of your YouTube channel, and I highly recommend that everybody - well - listen to the rest of this interview and then drop everything and go watch. I am a big fan, particularly of your video about fantasy racism. I love that video too, but damn, the comments. So, uh, yeah, I mean, don't worry. I was joking with some of my friends and whatnot. I was like, bad publicity is still somewhat good publicity. Cause that video actually brought in viewers. So it's kind of weird that it actually did well. Quote unquote. It's, it's kind of odd. I can see how people get into reaction content. That's neither here nor there, but I love that video.

2:30 I think it's like on my top 10, top five, maybe. But I have some of my personal other favorites as well. Yeah, well, I can imagine that's particularly hard for you being, being Black and being a YouTuber. There's probably a lot of terrible comments that you had to deal with, so I'm sorry about that. Yeah. Aside from that video, I don't usually deal with, like, uncomfortable comments. I do get some strange comments on my safety tool video I made, like, a year ago. Oh. And that's because some, um, I don't know why we let right wing grognards into community spaces like ours. It's, it's not pleasant. And I also had someone suggest to me to collaborate with someone who is definitely not aligned in my personal politics and or the politics of my channel.

3:16 And I was just thinking to myself, like, I deleted that comment. So I'm like, I'm not engaging. Why would I want to talk to this person? Right. They are, they have a bad track record. Debate me, bro. No. You can debate a block button. It. Yeah, that's a good comeback. Blerdy, how did you get into TTRPGs? I got into tabletop RPGs back around maybe 2019, 2020. It's been about five plus years, or 2018 actually. I was likely a freshman or sophomore in undergrad, and I was always interested in video games and role playing games and JRPGs and MMOs as a child.

3:58 And I went to the local nerd group, I believe it was called Gaming Group, and they had D&D 5th edition there. I had never played anything like that before, but there were a group of people, uh, I believe a group of queer folk that were just running a game, part of the larger gaming group, and TLDR, I got really hooked. And played this Tabaxi Rogue who was like really spoiled and just really obnoxious because apparently I fall into that character trip of playing obnoxious, smug characters when I had no other frame of reference. It happens quite often actually. You play a lot of Call of Cthulhu and you play a lot of Dungeon Crawl Classics now.

4:41 What made you make the switch from D&D? The switch for me was a gradual process. It was before the OGL. I was actually studying abroad and I had no D&D communities where I was studying abroad. I was in Netherlands and I had Discord. And I went to Reddit looking for a D&D game. And I recall vaguely finding a game for World of Dungeons. That is a Powered by the Apocalypse inspired D&D game. And I played it and all things considered, I didn't know it wasn't a quote unquote D&D 5e game. But one thing I did know was that this was so fun.

5:22 I could play the character I want without any restrictions and it was just so cool. So pretty much from there, I was getting an idea of different RPGs out there. And then around 2021, when I created my channel, I was like, wait a minute, I can like talk about the games I like. And so it kind of spiraled into a hyper obsession. And now my entire personality surrounds Call of Cthulhu and DCC. What is the TTRPG scene like in the Netherlands? I'll be honest, I wish I had a frame of reference, but I don't, I played a lot on discord during my time period there, and I would have loved to play some in person games, but I never got the chance between school and other priorities at the moment, but if I ever do go back, especially for school again, or, you know, for my personal life outside of content creation and YouTube and teacher RPGs, I'd love to go to a local game store and sort of see what people's experiences are.

6:16 I've always wanted to, like, travel and play a game abroad, quote unquote, with people not from the U.S. especially, because RPGs are as much personal as they are cultural and geographical. Yeah, I think that that's true. I mean, we all bring our own cultural differences to the table, even if we're not directly acknowledging that. Yeah, I feel like we do. Yeah, definitely. It didn't take you long to go from being a player to being a content creator, starting your own YouTube channel. What made you decide to start your YouTube channel? So I joke around with some of the Black folk in another server I'm in, but there weren't Black queer folk talking about the games I wanted. There weren't Black queer people talking about indie RPGs and there were some, but either they were an older generation, I feel, or their politics from the implications of their videos were not too savory, I'll say.

7:07 So I saw this as an opportunity for myself to do something I love, which is being creative and also to talk about the games that I think deserve more attention. And I want to do that. So I started creating and my first couple of videos are hot dog water. I have actually removed some of them because they are just bad. They are, they're not good, but I still look at them as a representation of, oh, I came here to do my thing and that other people will find joy in that, especially other black and brown queer folk who are in the RPG scene will find a lot of joy in that. I think, not to go on tangents, but I think it all culminated, I believe there was a YouTube comment I got that said, "It's so rare to see other black RPG creators out there.

7:53 Thank you so much." And that brought me so much joy for like a whole month. It was generally like such a great freaking feeling. Like I gotta find the comment, but it was such a great feeling. Yeah. I will say to all the listeners out there that there is nothing like being a small content creator and getting a comment like that of finding out from your listeners that something you did meant something to them. So. I'm not going to say this just for me, but if you listen to podcasts, if you watch YouTube, leave a comment, send them some feedback, write a review, rate something, like, this is the only way we know whether or not this is hitting right. And it's so rare to actually get that feedback.

8:34 A hundred percent. It really does make a difference. That's why even in some of my videos, when I'm going to itch.io, I say, please rate the creator. It will help them greatly in the algorithm on itch.io because itch.io is not the most accessible website. Trust me. I am fighting for my life on the website sometimes. It is, it is rough. Yeah. Well, let's get into your character. As much as I enjoy talking to you about all this stuff, being a fellow content creator, we do have a job to do. Blerdy, who are you bringing to the table? I'm bringing Chris Strausman. Chris was an NPC for my in person Call of Cthulhu 7th edition game. These were new players, like, they've never paid Call of Cthulhu.

9:17 Only two of the players have played D&D 5e. They are very familiar with 5e's sort of mechanics and how it'll play. They've never played an investigation game. So I need a character that could ease them into gameplay and sort of introduce them to mechanics without it being too high risk. So I was looking through all the pregens I had and I saw a streamer. I randomized the name and said, I'm choosing this character. This character had no personality, but the players just ran with it and just bullied my character. It was definitely an experience, but I learned the valuable lesson of like having pregens like this means I can now have characters I want to play when I'm playing Call of Cthulhu. And honestly, this character, I can definitely see a lot of myself.

9:59 You said that they bullied him. Why did they do that? I think the group consisted of a fashion designer, a athletic sportsman person, and someone in, I believe like criminal activity, at least underground criminal activity. But they're all generally good people who want to do good. But Chris Strausman is sort of like that dorky streamer who is chronically online to the umpteenth degree. So anytime they're on screen or they're trying to support the player characters, the player characters kind of roast him or send him to do their horrible stuff. Like, little spoiler, but they were exploring a haunted house. And at one point they're going to the stairs, I roll a power check and Chris is taking control over, right, their mind.

10:45 And one of the characters is like, we should kill him, right? They all collectively are like, we should kill him. When he comes back into control of his own body, everyone's like, still saying that. And Chris is like, what did I say? So you said that this character is a streamer. I think when a lot of people think about Call of Cthulhu, they think of the like 1920s Call of Cthulhu, but Call of Cthulhu has other versions. So what version is this for? So this is for modern era investigators. So modern era can take place anywhere between 1990s to contemporary period. It largely depends on what the GM considers modern era. I personally consider anything like 90s and after modern era and also because that's my age around that age range.

11:28 So if it's like, I have to start referencing like, Oh, what is a Walkman? What's a jukebox? Like then it's, that's not modern era. No. Oh my God. You're making me feel like a dinosaur right now. No, that wasn't my intention. I'm so sorry. It's all right. It happens all the time. But I also wanted this character so I could show the other players, the diversity of characters you could play and sort of the occupations you could have. So that's also why I did that. Does Chris actually earn a living from streaming or is it, is he still a hobbyist at this point? He does not earn a living. In fact, let me check. No, he doesn't. So on his character sheet, his credit rating is 19, which in Call of Cthulhu terms, that is very low.

12:10 That is like so my head canon for Chris, as I was thinking about him was he was a hobbyist. He does streaming content because it's one of the few ways he's able to socialize with people. He's able to interact with an audience and he's a small fan base, but that small fan base are people that will comment and people that will come on to his not Twitch stream all the time to sort of give him the support he likes. So he's emotionally a little bit stunted. But he's trying his best. I like to call him my wholesome sweet bean. Aw. While I call him my wholesome sweet bean, I put him in Call of Cthulhu because nothing's better than watching someone who goes from wholesome to an absolute monster.

12:53 One of my favorite jokes is that sweet person who's like not hard and chiseled and masculine like that, not like toxic masculine wise, but like they have to become more confident and stronger to take on the issue that they're facing. Would that include making monstrous choices in terms of morality or is this more just kind of, Yes. Okay, we can get into that in a little bit. I think it's interesting you pointed out that he is using streaming to socialize that he has kind of a dedicated but small fan base. I had a conversation about this the other day, is that I think a lot of older people think that that's not real, that that's not actually social, that we can't have connections through screens.

13:35 That has not been my experience, but how much of that resonates with you, and how much of that did you put into this character? I put a decent amount into this character. When I was thinking about this character concept, one thing that really resonated with me was, what does it mean to have parasocial relationships versus real relationships? What does it mean to develop relationships online? Especially when, for Generation Z and some of the younger millennials, most of the relationships are contained online, even our work based relationships. And I sort of thought that Call of Cthulhu 7th Edition could explore bits of those themes of isolation and loneliness and sort of connection while dealing with Cthulian horrors and how Cthulian horrors mix into that.

14:17 That's actually really intriguing. So how do you see this Cthulian mythos and that kind of horror intersecting with what you're mentioning about parasocial relationships or those feelings of isolation? I, I think they intersect because, unfortunately, Cthulian horrors can be nefarious. They intertwine their way into all sorts of people's lives, whether it be their health in some scenarios, their family, criminality, sort of socioeconomics. Cthulhuian horrors can embed themselves in all sorts of ways. And in the case of Chris, he uses his platform to talk about his sister who is missing. And it's tied to the bigger story of why sister is missing, why the player characters, when they originally went to the haunted house or investigating this haunted house and in dealing with the loss of his sister and that sort of trauma.

15:11 So balancing that loneliness and also that connection with people online is a struggle for him, I think. And something that sort of deeply resonates with me as well. When you talk about it resonating with you, are you talking about those feelings of loneliness or isolation? Or are you talking about that relationship with the sister? A little bit of both. One thing I wanted to explore is that Chris is actually pretty close to his sister. He grew up with his sister most of his life. His family have always been together. All that's been pretty fine. But as you get older, you know, some family members will sort of move apart from each other. And in that case for Chris, his sister went off to college. He's home working and all that stuff. So there's that isolation from his sister.

15:52 But when you add on the fact that he hasn't seen his sister in a while, and there are cases of her disappearing, missing. On top of the fact that he doesn't really have much of a social life, makes for a pretty not pleasant time. And I think he definitely turns to streaming to help him deal with that at one point. Interesting, so did he start streaming because of the disappearance of his sister? No, he was streaming beforehand. He was definitely streaming beforehand, but when he realized that he wanted that community, he definitely turned to his community, which brings up a whole conversation of like, how would Cthulhean Mythos like interact with him? Because there are scenarios that deal with, you know, dating apps in the Cthulhean Mythos world.

16:33 They deal with dating. I'm not going to get too much into like specific modules, but there is one called Intimate Encounters that deals with characters going missing, And Cthulhuian mythos, spoiler warning, uses dating apps to hunt people. So there's definitely that underlying theme. That I'm trying to lean into with sort of Chris' background. My head just went to, like, there's a monster in the machine, like that Cthulhu has somehow embedded itself into the internet or something like that. Is that kind of where you're going with it? Or is Cthulhu in your story more of like a physical being? It's not even a physical being. I think it's like an entire mythos, right?

17:15 There obviously is the great Cthulhu, but there's also subsects like cults, organizations, creatures that are all vying for control over the human race. And while Cthulhu himself, or herself or themselves, are not going to like, log on to Reddit. Maybe some cultists of Naarlathep are, are reaching out on Reddit for nefarious purposes to find maybe bodies or something like that. Or in the case of Chris, a nefarious Cthulhian human, we'll call them, may have abducted his sister. So I do like that concept how the internet and sort of this modern era influences the Cthulhu mythos in unique ways that you just can't get in 1920s, the generic 1920s Call of Cthulhu.

17:56 What kind of streaming content does Chris make? Twitch, and for context, I chose Twitch because I felt like if I chose YouTube or anything like that, it would be too on the nose and I didn't want to be that person who's like, I'm inserting my own character into my game. I don't mind GMs doing that, but I didn't want to have a DMPC save the characters. Yeah, they're, they're doomed anyway. So it's perfectly fine. Actively don't save them. Yeah, I, I am of the mind when I have characters, even as a player, if, if I'm going to make a dumb decision, I'm going to let the GM know, and I will ask them if it's okay to make the dumb decision, and also the rest of the group.

18:37 If they're all okay with it, then don't worry, in a couple minutes, I'm about to explode up a whole town. I guess to, to follow up though, if he's a Twitch streamer, What's happening on his streams? Is he playing video games? Is it just a talk stream? Like what kind of stuff? He's playing games. I think he's definitely invested in MMO games. I think definitely first person shooters and whatnot because let me think here because for him, he's actually not physically that strong from what I'm reviewing this character sheet right now. He's not physically strong. He's not particularly talented in say many specific academic skills. But he has a bit of charm to himself. He has a bit of, despite his awkwardness, he actually has some charm to him.

19:21 And that's likely from his streaming. And I think he plays MMOs and first person shooters online because those are one of the few places you can socialize, interact, and just kick people's butts at games. Is there a little bit of a power fantasy then in him being able to inhabit -this is very meta, by the way, It is a little bit meta. When I was thinking about the characters like this character is a little bit meta. It wasn't intentional, but this characters came just came to me. Yeah, no, I love it. I love meta stuff, but you have a character who I mean, and maybe tell me if I'm wrong is living out a power fantasy in a game. And you, the player, are playing this character in Call of Cthulhu.

20:03 Is there a part of playing Chris that would be a power fantasy for you? Yeah. So, for Chris specifically, the power fantasy definitely comes from the fact that he's badass. He's able to take down multiple enemies and insert non Call of Duty game here. Or he's able to like work with his team to complete a task and say, insert not popular MMORPG here. But in reality, he doesn't really have any friends. He struggles to socialize with others in real life. And when all the stuff comes to a head with the missing of his sister, he's not sure who to ask or how to approach this issue. And it's a lot for him. In a similar sense, as a creator, I wanted to play this character because it's cathartic.

20:49 It's cathartic to have a character deal with these Cthulhu Mythos and these real life issues as a Black creative, because, to be honest, as a Black creative, I'd rather deal with Cthulhu Mythos than the horrors of the socioeconomic world we live in. I think that's pretty common, I think, across the TTRPG space is the feeling that there's often a way that you can gain catharsis against problems that you wouldn't be able to solve in the real world. I would love to be able to just drop kick Trump out of office, you know, but I can't do that. So I appreciate that, especially your particular experience.

21:32 Is Chris also Black and Queer? Yeah. I, for context, I never create non Black oriented characters. I never create characters that are going to be perceived as White. At the very least, they are Black or not White. I legitimately cannot fathom or remember a single character that I've played that in my headcanon is White. Now, the tokens I might use have white characters in them, but if I asked a commissioner to draw me art, nope, they are black. Mm hmm. And that is always very intentional. I make that very, very, very intentional. In a modern Call of Cthulhu, I think that that makes a lot of sense because we're in an environment, we're in a society where being Black has cultural connotations right but it's different when you're playing something like D&D.

22:17 How do you relate to that when you're playing a fantasy game where Blackness doesn't have the same social constructs around it? In those cases I sort of talk to the GM and ask them what kind of topics we're going to address in the game and from there sort of gauge but usually I'll think of my character and I'll play the character how I reflect my personality experiences. Which are central to my Blackness and my queerness. So with that in mind, I always make sure to at least quote unquote, codify them as Black. For example, if I'm playing an orc, I might give them some, some characteristic or some feature of the Black experience, which is a wide, diverse experience because it's a diaspora.

22:58 Or I might give them a particular hairstyle that is, that is usually kinkier hair. Or I might give them a name, that is, of Black diasporic experience. It's those things that I do that are very purposeful with my characters. Or it might be something subconscious that I don't even realize, but any time I make a character, they're usually, I think, part of the Black diaspora, even if it's subconscious. Chris is emotionally stunted, and you also said that you put a lot of yourself into this character. How much do you relate to that part? The social awkwardness, definitely when I was younger, I struggled a little bit to have relationships with people. And RPGs especially were helpful, just Call of Duty in general was really helpful in getting me out of my bubble, I think.

23:43 And that social awkwardness was 100 percent something important to me. The streaming aspect is obvious as well. And I also think just dealing with life, and specifically dealing with growing up. Cause Chris in the game is 29, and he's been doing streaming maybe for a couple years, probably he went to school and all that, but he had to grow up. He had to deal with some really rough stuff, like a disappearing sister, having to mature with really heavy conditions are things that I relate to. Because there is no manual for growing up. There's no how to adult 101. And when, when I realized that, oh, I have to like do my taxes, that sucks.

24:26 So. Yeah. I think a lot of people would say 29? You're not a grownup yet? What's wrong there? I'm kind of curious. What kind of growing up do you think Chris had to do? And. Is he reaching some sort of crisis as he is nearing his 30s that he's struggling with? I think the growing up is going to be emotional. I think the growing up is going to be also mentally. He believes he can start over. Pushing off life more and more and just, as we say, locking in on, say, his streaming at the cost of his own mental and emotional well being while ignoring the outside world.

25:06 And, unfortunately, Cthulhuian horrors, well, they don't care if it's outside or inside your computer space. They will come for you, whether you like it or not. And I think the mythos sort of has to bring that out of him. In fact, a good example of Chris as an NPC, three main player characters had went to a nearby universe. I think we leave Boston University and like that to investigate one of the other player characters, friends missing, or someone got hurt. Chris being Chris was like, I'll just wait around here while you guys gals and pals do your thing. Chris did not want to get involved. Out of character, I didn't want the DMPC to be there to help the players, but at a character point, Chris didn't want to do it because he didn't think it was right for him to step in to support others or help others, even though the player characters had asked him, even though the player characters needed the help.

25:58 He didn't show up. Even though he was part of his case as much the others of them were and that I think is a amount of just emotional stuntness If that's a word, it's it's definitely something he did because he wanted to protect himself But also he didn't believe in himself that he could do better by others and for others To you then, do you think kind of showing up for people is part of being mature? Absolutely I I think sometimes it just matters to show up You don't need to contribute a lot, but it's showing up for others when they need you You Or when they want you to be there will make a big darn difference and kind of related back to content creation and a little bit about like why I'm in this sometimes just being in the space and showing up and doing the best you can means a big deal for some people in the audience.

26:43 And I probably wouldn't have been a creative if I hadn't seen other Black folk nerds in the scene. So in that case, Chris sort of represents a character who doesn't show up. Who won't be there when you need him the most and has to learn to show up and trust others and trust himself that he can do right by others. Why is that particular arc appealing to you? I think it's appealing to me because definitely I have had issues with showing up sometimes. I've learned the hard way that sometimes it's best to answer people truthfully when you can't do something. Or, when you can but you just don't want to, but just like not showing up at all, feeling too afraid to ask the right questions, or not even talking about how you're supposed to get to ask these important questions resonated a lot with me.

27:26 Because when I didn't ask the right questions, or not right questions, when I didn't ask questions about how I felt, or talked about how I felt, I realized that people got hurt in the process. And there is no worse feeling than realizing, oh, I hurt you and I can't do anything about that. Like, you have to live with that and you have to accept that they might not accept your apology, and that's hard. That is really hard to deal with. I think that's also a moral question, is how important is it to help others around you? How selfless do you need to be? I mean, that's a question I think that all of us have to face and decide for ourselves, like, where we stand morally on that issue. It sounds like you have a very strong sense of that kind of moral imperative to be there for people to to be honest with people.

28:12 Do you think Chris has the same sort of moral imperative? No, I think he's getting there. I think he's definitely getting there, but no, I think while he is charming, he's a bit of a coward and I think it reflects in his stats. He has a low power stat, power being sort of your mental resistances to horrors, but also sort of your magical capabilities. His power stat's low, his con stat is low, his strength stat is low, his intelligence is high. His education is average, and for Chris, he doesn't really have what it takes, but when push comes to shove, and when he realizes that he has to step up, he'll have to do what's right. Or, I don't know, get eaten by Cthulhuian horror and then, or get his skin flayed or something awful.

28:52 The endless things that could happen to you in Call of Cthulhu are sanity breaking. There are some games that reward being a moral person, being a do gooder. I don't think Call of Cthulhu really rewards any particular kind of behavior. I'd say you're more likely to survive if you avoid everything, but what's the fun in playing that way? Yeah, I think it also depends on the GM. Yeah. I'm of the mind that if the players go in there prepared, they have an idea and plan, they work together, then they'll likely succeed at great costs. And I think that also means when the characters are backed against the wall, I think that's where Call of Cthulhu is the most powerful.

29:34 Yeah, the horrors are inevitable, but it's not about what is inevitable. It's about what you're going to do with that inevitability. And I think that's a powerful statement in its own right. Yeah, that's a really great way to put it. Looking to add a bit more femme driven, player centered storytelling to your life?

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31:05 So what are you waiting for? Come apply for games at Girls Run These Worlds and make your stories a reality. You were talking about wanting to have this arc of Chris becoming, I think the words you used an absolute monster. So wholesome sweet bean to absolute monster. What does absolute monster look like? Well, we can take this in many different directions.

31:45 We can take it the positive route or negative route. Which one would you like me to start? Well, I think that in Cthulhu, the negative arc is more likely, so maybe we start there. So, for Chris, I think, on the road to light and darkness, in terms of the darkness in his heart, I think Chris would need to be pushed to such an extreme where he has to make these calls, and he does, and he knows he has to show up, but he does horrible things in the process. He has to sacrifice his friends. He might have been the sacrifice of his sister, all for the greater cause of people he may or may not know. And that's just an extreme example, but when it comes down to something as simple as, Oh, do I kill this cultist, even if they might look like me and have family and children and have been manipulated?

32:35 It's that negative rot of him constantly doing quote unquote evil stuff that eventually accumulates into him hardening himself and becoming cold and detached. So yeah, he becomes an absolute monster, and at worst, he's probably influenced by Cthulhu mythos. In terms of the light, Chris would do what is right by others and show up. I'll bet he's still scarred, I'll bet he still will need massive therapy because his sanity loss would be insane. Mhm. And his sanity is actually at 45 out of 45. But he'll do what needs to be done. He won't isolate himself afterwards. He'll go to the people he cares about. He'll go to his family, he'll go to his friends, he'll go to his loved ones, and he'll ask what to do.

33:15 Because, yeah, the Cthulhian horrors are tough, but if you isolate yourself from others and treat yourself too cruelly, you'll end up destroying yourself. Not from Cthulhian horrors, but but from the fact that you kept it all to yourself. Mm. Interesting. Maintaining sanity is, in the context of Call of Cthulhu, I'll just say sanity is something specific. Maintaining your sanity in the face of Cthulhu horrors is, to you, more about your reaction and the way that you bring in your community than it is about your personal, individual reaction. So yeah, for Chris, it's about going to the people that he cares most about and finding that support for them, finding that support for the community.

33:59 Because for me, that's what makes RPGs and just tabletop roleplaying games so enjoyable, it's the community aspect. No other medium of entertainment can really give you that. Video games, yeah, but tabletop RPGs require you to go out, maybe go outside and play games and interactive people you might not never have interacted before. So in a similar sense, I wanted to reflect that. I'll just put a little caveat in there that there are solo TTRPGs. I'm personally, I don't play them because for me, playing TTRPGs is a social outlet. It's something I do to socialize. Would you say that that's the same for you? Yes. But it's interesting with solo RPGs, I've played some solo RPGs together with other people and there's something really awesome about journaling of other people and it's your own story and how while you're journaling, everyone else is talking about those stories.

34:50 And then we start creating head canons about how our characters are actually in the same world together. It's kind of like being in a writing exercise together. Mm-Hmm. So if you've never played a solo RPG together of other people, that can be a lot of fun. But that's neither here nor there. Recommend it for everyone else that. Give it a try. Seriously. What do you like about Call of Cthulhu? What I love most about Call of Cthulhu 7th edition is normal people or semi normal people dealing with unbearable horrors and then coming together to face them despite the odds, because one thing that I've always struggled with Cthulhu mythos is that no matter what humanity does, they are doomed. I don't like that idea, but that's sort of core to Cthulhu Mythos and to H.P.

35:34 Lovecraft, even though H.P. Lovecraft and several of the other authors are terrible bigots. Unfortunately, yes. Unfortunately. But the important part for me has always been that people will show up and do what is best and right, even if it's hard. They'll show interest in each other and themselves, because if no one does anything, yeah, they're fucked. Yeah. If no one shows up to take care of Naarlathep, or take care of the group of cultists that are abducting people, then you're shit out of luck. The world is doomed. We're talking about, you know, kind of Chris's reaction, how his arc could change based on his reaction to Cthulhu. I think one of the things we talk about a lot when we're faced with fear is the fight, flight, or freeze response.

36:19 What do you think Chris's reaction to that is? Is he the person that just kind of freezes up? Does he run away? What is his response to being faced with something completely unknowable and horrifying? I think the struggle for Chris would be freezing. He would freeze up. And that's something I relate to a lot is I have these sometimes, not dark thoughts, but like when I'm faced with really horrifying or upsetting conversations or things or topics, I freeze. I freeze and I feel a little bit bad, but then I think about it for a minute and I'm like, what human wouldn't freeze, right? I'm not superhuman, but neither is Chris, and freezing up when you see something scary or terrifying, even if it's on the news, or in, say, fighting a Cthulian beast that has multiple faces and will rip your soul out, is a natural response, and to that point, I think that's something that Chris has to get over, and something that I'm coming to terms with as well, right, is that freezing is fine, it's about what you do afterwards, is the bigger question, because you can't be frozen forever, hopefully not.

37:21 Right. Well, and if, like you said, fighting against great odds is what you want out of Call of Cthulhu, the game, it's what you want out of a story, is that kind of fragile person fighting against great odds, you may freeze at first, but that won't be compelling as a story or as a player in a game. Yeah, and I think one thing that I was thinking about, too, is that with Cthulhu characters or COC characters, whether it's modern era, 1920s, 1960s, future, freaking caveman era. There actually are games that took place during, like, sort of the Neolithic period and dinosaurs. That is very true. Wow, interesting. Yeah, Call of Cthulhu has stuff like western, modern era, future sci fi, right?

38:01 There's Regency era. I'm not going to go way too much into it. Anyway, anyway, anyway, anyway. When a character experiences that sort of fear, I think they're forever changed by that, like the game, the book states that your characters forever change these horrors and they'll never get quite used to it, but it's not about getting used to the horror. No one should get used to it. But a good story is how you deal with that and what's that look like, even if they do horrible stuff and or they become villains. And I think that's what excites a good story. I love what you said there is, nobody should get used to horror. I think that's something that is all too easy to do in the world we live in where, you know, we're constantly seeing terrible, horrible things happening in the world.

38:45 And it becomes difficult to stay open to how you feel about those things. I mean, personally, for me, like just watching what's happening in Gaza and just looking at the news every day and, and like, crying. And I'm like, I don't want to start my day every day crying, but I also don't want to close myself off against this tragedy that's happening, this awful, incredible horror that's happening in the world. Do you feel that this resonates with you in terms of how you see the world around you and facing that and and leaving yourself open to how it makes you feel? A hundred percent. A hundred percent. I think especially that's why I love two kinds of games, horror and comedy, because they build off the same feeling of suspense and fight, flight, or freeze.

39:28 What you think about if I mentally do, and in the case of my personal life like that, yeah, it's, it's really tough when your day job, you're exposed to these horrors that you clearly know government institutions are funding and are okay with allowing, and then seeing people just act like everything is okay, is really tough. Generally fucking terrifying. It is legitimately exhausting and terrifying. There is no sense of dread more. I feel that I'm like at work on my day job or when I'm doing content creation and then I get like terrible news of happening out in Gaza or Sudan or anywhere else, or even just in the States. Yeah, we have our own homegrown horrors.

40:10 Yeah. Seeing the homegrown horrors being committed by actors and governments, institutions, and companies in the States fills me with such dread. It is absolutely terrifying, but I need to make this very clear. But despite that, what else are we supposed to do? Give up? Yeah. Fuck no. What do I look like to you? No, because any good fight, any good community understands that if we just let things be the way they are, then they will be the way they are. Normalcy is a terrible drug to be on because normalcy never existed in any country, or in any tabletop game that has horrible shit happening to otherwise decent or good people. Normalcy is created after all. And circling back to Chris, Chris is faced with horrifying situations in the sort of, I like to put it, the veil of normalcy.

40:59 So for Chris, he had this veil of normalcy, like if I just dreamed, if I just did my thing, the world would get better, but that's not how this works. Our worlds, our communities don't get better by us wishing for them. They get better by us agitating and asking, not even asking, demanding what we want. That's the only way we get anything. So in the case of Chris, he has to learn that he's not going to get what he wants by just waiting around. He needs to work with other people, other investigators, to save his sister. And it's similar to like the things I do both in my personal life as an RPG content creator, I can't influence entire governmental institutions. I don't have that kind of power, but I know when I create that there are people who are counting on me sometimes to produce content that represents them.

41:43 And that shows the beautiful light that are RPGs. And if I can bring someone some joy in an otherwise really terrible situation, that means a lot to me. Definitely. I think that that's, it's interesting to think about that, like as an individual creator, what you can do as a person, bringing any work of art into the world is making the world a better place, I think, but there's also just this feeling like you're contributing to a community, like your voice is making the community stronger because it has your voice. And so I think too, just when we're talking about political action or changing the world, it's important that we all act individually and contribute, but it's also important that we come together as a community to be part of that bigger fight.

42:25 And that's kind of why I personally say RPGs are inherently political. Not to get too much into where that's actually for another video, which I already know the comment section will be awful, but RPGs I think are political in the sense that the community actions that we do and how we represent ourselves are important and the stories we imagine ourselves at the table can reflect the stories we can create in real life. Yeah, there's no Cthulhean horrors. God, I wish there were sometimes because if I had Cthulhean powers, the things I would do with them to some groups of individuals and people, I'm not gonna get into that. Anyway. But it's about the community aspect. It's about the, not family aspect, not like how companies use family to essentially use you.

43:07 But rather developing these close relationships and then using RPGs as a avenue to explore touchy subjects. With consent, of course. And how does that reflect in your day to day life? And in the case of games like Call of Cthulhu, I've learned that the horrors are deep and many, and the forces are beyond even your own comprehension. And likely they will last even beyond your own lifetime. In the case of 1920s games that take place also in the modern era. But who else are we to call other than ourselves and the people around us? The way I think of it, like the corollary that I make in my mind is that Cthulhu is kind of an unknowable, almost like, almost like an animal, you know, you can't tell a shark not to eat fish, right?

43:51 I don't know, without the intention, it's almost like a problem that exists that it's, it's difficult to fight against that particular problem. But then you have cultists and you have other people who are agents of this monster that are working to bring this or to help this monstrosity come into being in the world. And so you as individuals have to come together as a party to fight the people that are helping bring this to fruition. Absolutely. And it's funny. In Delta Green, which is a another version of Call of Cthulhu by a different company that uses the same mechanics, but you don't play investigators. You play government officials who are investigating Cthulhu mythos. But a specific rule is when you kill a character in that game, even if they are a cultist, your sanity damage is pretty high.

44:38 And I love that because there is no single human in this world ever that can fundamentally be okay killing someone without extreme justification. I don't think we realize that in video games, even in games like D&D, killing someone or something is a big deal, and it should be taken seriously. And that's why I think in COC, and to, definitely to an extent, Delta Green, and more newer RPGs, questions about what does combat actually look like actually mean morally are powerful questions, very powerful questions. And in case of Chris, if Chris kills someone, he's going to start freaking the hell out. Like who shouldn't freak out when you plunge a dagger into someone's chest?

45:20 Oh my God. Yeah. Even like letting go a bullet and then realizing you killed someone. I'm not like someone who has any training, any military weapons, but that is hard to swallow. And I don't think people realize that you need to be trained. We need to actually learn how to dehumanize someone in order to do that, and that is rough. Yeah, definitely. So let's talk about Chris's family. You talked a lot about his sister, but what's the rest of his family like? So Chris has a mother and a father, and I think a big extended family. I think for Chris, he has actually a pretty positive relationship with his mom and dad. I like to head kidded that his mom and dad are Gen Xers, like older Gen Xers, who they don't really understand what is Twitch or streaming, but they're like, good job, son, you're making some money to afford groceries.

46:05 So we're not kicking you out. That's okay. Yeah, They love him. And they truly do care the most for him. But. There's a little bit of strain, too, because they're like, Oh, this kid is doesn't really doing anything for life. They're sitting on the computer all day. Why didn't they get a job or something like that? Right? There's definitely a little bit of tension, I think, between Chris and his family, for sure. At least his mom and dad. Does he still live with his parents? Yes. It is modern era. He cannot afford to live by himself. I was going to say, I'm like, wow. Sorry. That's the other power fantasy. It's making a living as a Twitch streamer. The power fantasy for me in RPGs is two things.

46:47 Being able to live by myself and being able to afford to like be a full time content creator and not stress and not have like some boring day job. I get that. I completely get that. He's very obviously very upset taking action because his sister went missing. What was that like? What was the moment when she went missing or when he discovered that? Like, what was his relationship with her like? So the moment I definitely know was when he went to the police. He put in an investigation, right, saying I have a missing report. And months, like a whole like month or more went by and nothing was happening. And then similar to, like, not my own personal experiences, but to other Black folks experiences, institutions you can't really rely on to help people you love, especially when we know that Black, queer, and trans people go missing a lot, right?

47:37 So there was that little subtext, but Chris, as a response, realized that if he can't rely on police institutions, right, that he has to rely on the kindness of random strangers on the internet who have had similar experiences. And in the case of the in person game, The other investigators were other people who had missing family members and our friends and police and whatnot weren't doing diddly dick They weren't doing jack shit So that's really what motivated him to like I think in fact I think he maybe went on Reddit and I believe the players or I the gm had this handout where they could discover that Chris, or one of their missing loved ones, there was a post talking about other missing people on a Reddit post.

48:23 And that's kind of like what motivated some characters to even start to begin with. I feel like we've talked a lot about his emotional state, but what does he look like? Chris is around, say, like, 5'9 5'10. They have kinky curly hair. He looks a little bit like Shaggy, right? A little bit like Shaggy. And one thing I know he definitely has to have is, like, there's a big streamer mic, not microphone, but headphone set. Like they cover the entirety of his ears and he always has them on even when he's outside. I think that's like his iconic thing and it probably glows RGB because he's a gamer. Yeah. And it's extremely tacky. I definitely think his family makes fun of him. And definitely when he goes to the obvious Black folk cookout, some of the older folk are like, why are you wearing that?

49:10 I think he wears some like baggy clothes as well. He generally wears for comfort. He rarely ever dresses formally. Any time he does, he definitely doesn't like it. When you said Shaggy, the first thing I thought of was, does he have video game posture? Yes. He has video game posture and maybe video game odor at some times, but maybe it might help him if he's in a terrible situation, maybe they won't eat him. Yeah, I don't usually get into smell o vision when talking about characters. Well, it's not hard. You start asking, maybe that should be a new question you add. That's actually kind of funny. Yeah, that's a new question. What's their signature scent?

49:50 Gamer. Gamer sups. G Fuel. Is Chris queer? Yes, 100%. Do you usually create queer characters? Always. I have always created queer adjacent or queer and trans characters. I'm trying to think. Usually sexuality doesn't always come up in the game, but anytime the GM asks, I'm like, they're queer. I figured the details later, but generally speaking, if I ever get the chance of romancing or anything like that, they're usually queer. I haven't thought about it too much, but I'm either leaning towards Chris being asexual of some kind, or like on the asexual spectrum, or being like asexual and like not like straight. So, that's definitely there. I think the reason is because Chris doesn't really socialize much with people outside.

50:34 So, for him, romantic stuff and sexual stuff are just like confusing topics, which comes with part of maturity, right? When you don't go outside much and you don't interact with people, you struggle to socialize with people. And you're gonna also struggle to figure out like, what do you like in a person? That isn't based off the internet, which is totally fine. Not a pleasant place to go to. I also think for Chris, sexuality was definitely something that, it wasn't talked about in his family. It was never mentioned really. It wasn't something that was, I don't know, important. And definitely because of like an older sort of style of parenting. And, uh, I think for that reason, Chris also just doesn't know how to talk about that stuff. But, I think when push comes to shove, I think he'd be okay with talking about that kind of stuff. He would just need to be pushed into the right circles.

51:15 And, for context, all the other players are queer. All my players are queer. I really don't play with straight cis people, ever. Yeah, I actually don't, can't remember a game that's all straight cis people, wow. Anyway, that being the case, Chris needs to be pushed to talk about this stuff. But when he does, he'll probably open up and be just a dweeb about it. I think it's really interesting that you said you don't ever play at straight cis tables. For some people, that's probably a privilege. It's great that you found that. Did you have to seek that out? Is that something that you had to cultivate? That is 100 percent something I've cultivated. I have been role playing games, like, like I said earlier, five, six years. So for me, it was definitely something I had to work towards.

51:58 I always made sure in my Reddit pages to say LGBTQ+, always used to say I was a Black person. And I've had some dicey conversations with some people on the internet, and especially some of my earlier games on Reddit where I'm just like, geez, we are from different backgrounds entirely. It is just wild. So it's definitely something I've had to cultivate. It's not something that came naturally. Now that I'm a little bit older and I have a little bit more money, definitely different social life, I really just started running and playing games that are with other queer and trans people. And there'll occasionally be a straight person, right? Obviously, straight people are a dime a dozen. So that always happens. But nowadays I curate my groups because I want to imagine worlds and create worlds that are for and by queer and trans folk and for and by black and brown and other marginalized groups.

52:42 We have plenty of generic white guys in video games and gaming history. I think we'll be fine. We'll be fine. Y'all have Alan Wake and insert generic white guy here. Y'all be good. You professionally run games too. So when you are getting players to run those games, I know that there is probably a financial imperative to be less choosy in who you accept at your tables. Do you ever struggle with that? Is that something that you're able to do as a professional GM? Yeah, with Start Playing and just professionals. Yeah. I mean, one thing that's helped a lot is that when you run paid games, you get players that actually care a lot and will show up ready and care about your own personal identities.

53:25 For example, on my Start Playing page, I make it very clear that I'm a queer Black person who cares about particular politics. I have it in my safety tools. I have it as well in my conversations and my session zeros. Everything like that is emphasized from the very beginning. I make it very clear. And as a result, I get players that are either queer adjacent, they are femmes, or they are definitely folks who are marginalized, or they're just avid nerds who, they have a care for people that are marginalized. So, sadly, when you have that sort of paywall, it brings way better players. I have not had any issues that are related to like my personal identities once I start playing or running games. And that's actually how I got a great group of players in my Call of Cthulhu games that I've been running for about a year.

54:09 You actually had someone on, on your podcast, Aetherius, he was one of my players, amazing player, right? No way! Aetherius? Oh my god! Small world! I know, right? That's amazing! When I saw he was on there, I was like, what? That's amazing, so was he a player in your game before he was on my podcast? Yep, yep, he was a player, he was really awesome, really sweet. Very, very sweet. Yeah. And that's what I just sort of love about Start Playing and running paid games and professional games is that I get players that care. And when you run free games, sometimes you'll have players that are just kind of showing up and they're cool and they're, they're great players. I've had amazing experience in free games. I run free games still on specific servers, but the difference, the quality difference is definitely there.

54:54 We have a financial expectation and you provide that, but you also have a better time generally. Chris, why are you passionate about what you do? Well, I'm passionate because I like the attention. The occasional bits also helps a lot, though some of the people's names are kinda weird.

55:34 Sometimes you're like, I look at the stuff on there and I'm just like, maybe I'm not allowed to see that part of Twitch's TOS, but so far it's been okay. Not a lot of money, but I like the attention. Would you do something else on your Twitch stream if it gave you the same amount of attention? You play video games, would you do a different kind of stream as long as it gave you that same? Yeah, I've thought about playing Muldur's Gate 4, but everyone's already played that and quite frankly, I think I'm a lot better at League anyway, so we'll see about that. Sorry, I just love that you said Baldur's Gate 4, that's great. I actually said Mulder's Gate. Mulder's Gate? I said Mulder's Gate because I had to make up a word real fast, so I said Mulder's Gate.

56:15 I just, why not use M instead of B? I think that's great. I don't, I don't think just saying Baldur's Gate would get my podcast taken down, but I mean, considering people are playing it on, on YouTube and Twitch. Oh yeah, JJ, I just thought it'd be funny. No, it is funny. Thank you so much, Blerdy, for coming on the podcast and for sharing Chris with us. Thank you. Thank you so much. Seriously. Is there anything that you'd like to share with my listeners? Well, if you want, feel free to check out my YouTube channel, also named Blerdy Disposition, or my Start Playing account, also named Blerdy Disposition, which you can find wherever Star posts this.

56:58 And finally, special shout out to all the players who have played with me, who are watching this. Y'all are really fucking awesome. I will post a link in the show notes to a guest profile where you can see all of Blerdy's links and link directly to his Start Playing, Get in a game, you know, watch the YouTube. I highly recommend it. Or don't, and that's okay too. Check out all the other awesome actual plays that are out there too. You need to work on your salesmanship. I mean, yeah, but I also, yeah. Okay. Yeah. Check out my content, but you also check out Star's content. Check out all the other people's cool content. All right. For my recommendation this episode, I'd like to introduce you to a podcast called Baddie Bards.

57:39 Baddie Bards is an all Black, all queer, all trans D&D actual play. Living up to the bardic reputation, there's plenty of laughs. It's all set in space. But you'll also hear poetic descriptions and atmospheric background music. I'm looking forward to their next season using the DIE system. Give it a listen. I also featured Girls Run These Worlds, a women owned, women run production studio. Aiming to uplift the voices, profiles, and status of women and femme presenting people in TTRPGs, and to create a place where all can come to find themselves represented and celebrated. One of the things that any creator wants to know is what people think of their work.

58:23 For podcasters, it can be especially difficult to get feedback. Did you know that you can now leave comments on individual episodes on Spotify? If you're listening there, I encourage you to leave a comment and let me know what you think about an episode. You may have also noticed a link in my show notes that says, send us a text message. If you have a question you'd like me to answer on a future episode or just want to leave a comment, send me a message. I started a newsletter. If you'd like to get a behind the scenes peek at the podcast, follow my other projects like my current all woman actual play and be notified when a new episode drops. You can find the sign up form in the show notes or on my website.

59:03 Please share the podcast with a friend. Word of mouth is the best way to find new listeners. Your recommendations help me immensely. Thank you to all my listeners spreading the word. I'm so grateful. You can find me on TikTok at StarMamaC or on Threads, Blue Sky, Instagram, and Facebook as Characters Without Stories. You can also listen on YouTube at Characters Without Stories or follow the link in the description. I'm currently accepting submissions, particularly for non D&D characters and for creators from marginalized communities. So if you'd like to share your character, you can go to the submission form at characterswithoutstories.com.

59:45 Click submit in the navigation. Thanks for listening and may all your characters find their stories.